alpha

i don't know what to think anymore.

i believe if i knew how to be charming, i would be dangerous. the sadism of those i know is nothing compared to what i think of in my head.

i wish that i had the same effect on people i wanted that i have on people who catch my eye for a moment.

even a broken clock is right twice a day.

someday the sun will shine again, and i will breathe, and then it will all be over again.

"what if all the world's inside of your head? just creations of your own... your devils, and your gods; all the living and the dead... and you're really all alone?"

what if the matrix really is all we have? i guess even i believe this is what i deserve.

now, try to keep up. i can't keep offering - i don't deal well with teasing and i can guarantee you, you won't ever meet anybody like me again.

the streets are empty tonight.
the sky is full of stars
that glitter like the bottles we broke
after the contents were long gone;
or the words that flew from
your lips before you could stop.

or before you wanted to.

and sweetie, that year, you created a monster.
you know september spawned her
and may had her delivered in a pine box.
the toe tag read "dead on arrival"
but we all knew the truth.

before we ever wanted to.

inside your lies, your dead-inside eyes,
i see the truth that struggles
to rear its ugly head.
that you are made of all of the

desperate
immature
horrid little things you hate.

before you were ever a monster.
before you were ever a scar.
before you were ever a regret.

i knew you.

before, i never wanted to.

you know, i don't really like katt williams very much. i don't mind him. i guess i am indifferent. but we were watching one of his shows the other day (don't ask me to remember the name). and in it, he was talking about why people hate "haters" so much. and i got it.

"haters are there to hate."

"if you're a woman and you got 14 haters, you should be figuring out how to get it up to 16."

all of these people dislike me so intensely for things that i had no control over. for things happening in their cozy lives... to the point that i can't talk to men they're dating (like i'm some kind of whore or something) and they make calls to my house at 2 am trying to piss people off, or sending me condescending messages and fucking with me on myspace...

"haters are there to hate."

sure, you cause me to be annoyed with you. but all the people you tried to get on your side currently want nothing to do with you. this could change. it could always change. but right now, i'm kind of loving how much you've been hating me.

i know you read this.

i support you 100%.\

now i'm off to get coffee with one of the guys i'm not supposed to talk to.

silver is just not as good as gold.
it tarnishes and ages quicker.
not as valuable, monetarily speaking.
no one wants your old silver when you're gone.
you don't go for the silver.
synonymous for second place.
it's classically beautiful, but not an attention grabber.
more of a pearl, less of a diamond.
not too flashy, but just right... when you want the sparkler on your arm, gold is the way to go.
silver stays behind.
silver sits and waits.
silver is there when you want to be understated...
but the gold is always on your mind.


but just think what it's like to be silver.

i am trying to be hopeful. but it's getting really difficult.




i'll live.






do i have a choice?

sometimes i really do like my job. and i feel almost bad collecting a paycheck for it, but then i remember that i practically live at work and there's some physical damage.

today so far...

- i have to stay two hours later than i'm supposed to.
+ overtime.
+ stories that invariably end with "and i peed my pants!"


someday i'm gonna write a book about this place.



edit:

- one of the girls locked herself in the bathroom. we had to break the lock on the door, and the door itself, to get in.

"please, would you tell me," said alice, a little timidly, ... "why your cat grins like that"

"it's a cheshire cat," said the duchess, "and that is why."




i hate when my friends talk about money because everyone gets all upset and anxious. and i don't mean to make people feel bad, but i want to buy their troubles away and work day and night to afford it because i would rather be broke and exhausted than see them so worried.

money is such a silly thing to worry about. i just don't understand... where the other people are who value life over dollars.

i need more good books to read.

and i need a pen pal.

and i need friends.




"some will die in hot pursuit in fiery auto crashes.
some will die in hot pursuit while sifting through my ashes.
some will fall in love with life and drink it from a fountain that is pouring like an avalanche, coming down the mountain."

it makes their lives safer.



all i ever do is complain, and i bring it on myself... but i look at all the little parts of myself individually and i think that i could make anyone happy. and sometimes i wonder what it is about me that pushes people away.

i'm just egotistical. because all the things that guys complain about, i am the opposite. i don't play mind games. i'm not usually terrible to look at. i don't throw emotional chick fits. i treat people well and i'm smart and i can hold my own in a battle of wits or words.

i'm beginning to think that most males are only interested in any warm, dumb hole that's within six inches of their hips. and if i'm not willing to be that kind of girl, then there's just no point.

the worst girls seem to be the only ones that matter. just a reverse bad-boy obsession. boys with hero complexes only want the dumb little girls that need saving.



in the end, i will be better for not being that girl. but right now, i'm sick with the pain of being alone.

time is an asshole who steals all proof that anyone in the world ever cared about your faith and your mind or even your body.

it destroys the paper that all of the "i love you"s were written on. it pulls at the flesh that used to be so tantalizing and warm underneath the fingers of the ones who touched you first. it tears the important thoughts from your mind and escapes before you know it.

time doesn't care who you are or if anyone loves you. because it can destroy all that. and it doesn't matter. it twists your beliefs and makes you forget everything you hold dear.

and still, the worst part isn't ever what time does to you. it's what time does to the people that you love.



"you need to bring me my food, i'm not the one you want to starve."